Zombie Sheriff Read online

Zombie Sheriff

  Copyright 2014 Geoff Lynch

  Prologue

  In 1843, a large wagon train of over eight hundred people set off on the Oregon Trail to the west to find new land to colonize. During this trip, a cholera epidemic struck at the intersection of the Snake River in Idaho and the Oregon Trail that wiped out over one hundred and fifty men, women and children. In order to stop the spread of the contagion, the bodies were quickly buried using the materials from the wagons and the contents they held. All in all, the spread was contained and the pioneers continued onward towards the west coast.

  One hundred and twenty years later, a catastrophic flood covered southeast Idaho and filled the Snake River to overflow. The pressure caused the Teton dam to burst sending thousands of gallons of water downstream killing hundreds of people and thousands of cattle. The resulting catastrophe covered the now lost cholera graveyard with ten feet of water allowing the caskets to percolate to the surface and expose the once buried bodies again to the surface.

  Months after the flood, bodies were still being found strewn along the countryside tangled in fencing and piled in ditches. They were then gathered up and buried deep enough to never see the light of day again in a new cemetery on higher ground. That is except for the three zombies found at a campsite feasting on a family of vacationing campers. The former pioneers were now the undead and surviving on their own until they were captured and held for study at the University of Idaho department of biology.

  Twenty years later, the ACLU sued for the zombie’s civil rights and won the three their freedom. After two years of community college, the zombies were reintroduced into society as free people. One was immediately burned by an angry mob upon release and another ran for Sheriff of Pine Bridge Idaho. Once elected, the third zombie was hired as chief deputy. This is their story.

  Chapter 1

  October 16, 1976

  Sheriff Ed Pool drove down the highway like he did every night checking for speeders, drunks and whatever came his way. He had been the Sheriff of Colfax County for two years and usually worked the evening shift by choice. This made it difficult for his staff to do the basic work needed at the department since he wasn’t around during the day, but it worked best for Ed. He liked the evening shift and that allowed at least one deputy to work days that would have had to work evenings.

  Keeping an eye on the radar mounted to his dash, Ed kept track of the speed of the cars that drove past him in the other lane. His car was dirty brown with a rack of lights on top and could be easily seen from a distance. Most nights were slow, especially during the week, but tonight a car sped around him to his surprise and took off doing at least seventy in a fifty five mile and hour zone weaving in and out of the lane. Ed didn’t need his radar to know this car was doing something illegal and put on his lights and siren.

  As he picked up speed, Ed caught up with the car and called the license into the dispatch. He had seen this car before and had an idea who it might be, but was surprised when he heard back from dispatch that the car belonged to a county commissioner, one of his bosses. “What the fuck?” Ed said out loud. The car pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. Ed kept his headlights on the car and gathered his ticket pad and flashlight.

  Outside the car, Ed slowly approached on the driver’s side and shined his light into the window. What he saw was an obese woman digging through her purse looking for something. This made Ed very nervous. “Ma’am, please put down your purse,” Ed said.

  The woman looked up at Ed and squinted in the bright light from the flashlight. “I’m looking for my driver’s license,” she replied. Her name was Anita Cole, the wife of county Commissioner David Cole.

  “Ok,” Ed said, “Take your time.”

  Anita pulled her driver’s license from her pocketbook and handed it to Ed. She looked up at the sheriff and saw his grey skin and white eyes. “You’re that zombie sheriff aren’t you?” Anita asked.

  “Yes ma’am, have you been drinking tonight?” Ed asked.

  “What kind of a freak are you?” Anita asked.

  “I’m asking the questions,” Ed replied. “Have you been drinking tonight?” Ed smelled alcohol on the woman’s breath and she was acting erratic.

  “I had a few drinks at cards tonight,” Anita replied. “But I’m fine to drive.”

  “I’d like for you to step out of the car,” Ed said.

  “You’re kidding, I’m not getting out.”

  “I need to do a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer.”

  “You only have that contraption because my husband voted for the funds to buy it.”

  “Yes, and I’m grateful for that, now will you please step out of the car.”

  “No, I won’t, and when my husband hears about this, you’ll be out of a job.”

  Frustrated, Ed stood back for a moment to think. He could call dispatch, but there wasn’t another officer to send for backup. His other choice was to haul this woman out of the car and arrest her for interference with a law enforcement officer. He wanted to make this as easy as possible and as smooth as he could. “Ma’am, I’m doing my job, you passed me doing at least seventy, swerved in and out of your lane and now I can obviously tell you’re intoxicated. You can either get out of the car willingly, or I will be forced to remove you from the vehicle.”

  “I’m leaving,” Anita said. She put her hands back on the keys and turned the engine back on.

  Thinking quickly, Ed reached into the car and tried to grab for the keys. As his cold dead skin touched Anita, her reaction was to pull back and try to get as far away from his as she could.

  “Get off me you sick freak!” Anita yelled.

  Ed grabbed the keys, turned off the engine and removed them from the car. “Get out now or I will arrest you for failure to comply with an officer of the law during the execution of his duty!”

  Anita opened the door and stepped out. Her two hundred and fifty pound body exited the car leaving it an inch higher off the ground. She then grabbed for the side of the car when she became dizzy from the effects of the alcohol. Her heels didn’t help much. “Help me you zombie bastard!” she yelled as she regained her balance.

  Ed moved in close and she backed away when she saw his white eyes coming at her. Distancing herself, she lost her balance again and fell to the ground in a heap. She then threw up and tried to avoid laying in her own vomit. “See what you’ve done!” Anita yelled.

  Ed pulled his handcuffs and bent down. He grabbed her right hand and placed the cuff around her hand while she was distracted trying to scoot away from her mess on the highway.

  “What are you doing?” Anita asked.

  “I’m cuffing you, give me your other hand,” Ed replied.

  “Fuck you,” Anita said and pulled away.

  Ed wrestled for her left hand and grabbed it. He pulled it in close and cuffed that hand as well leaving Anita lying on her belly, on the highway cuffed next to a pile of her own vomit.

  “You zombie bastard, when my husband gets through with you, you won’t be able to get a job anywhere in this state, let alone this county.”

  “Where is your husband?” Ed asked.

  “None of your fucking business.”

  “I’ll need to call him when I get you down to the station.”

  “He’s busy.”

  “Too busy to come down and pick up his wife? Guess you’ll be spending the night in jail.”

  “He’s too busy fucking that new waitress he hired.”

  “Really? Sorry to hear that,” Ed said. He wasn’t really sorry at all. “Now I need to get you in my car, can you stand?”

  Anita rocked back and forth, and with Ed’s assistance was able to get to her feet. “What about my car?” Anita ask
ed.

  “I’ll lock it before we leave and send a tow truck to pick it up. It will be at the impound lot until you pick it up,” Ed replied.

  “Tell me something first,” Anita said. “How can you be dead and sheriff at the same time?”

  “Honesty, nobody knows. And this isn’t the time to discuss it anyway,” Ed replied.

  Anita was led to the sheriff’s car and put in the back seat. She smelled like booze and vomit which made Ed wretch. Ed locked Anita’s car, got back in his and turned off the lights.

  “I want to get that fucker back,” Anita said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “My husband, he thinks he can go fuck any girl he wants. I’ve been married to that loser for twenty three years and he’s screwed around on me more times than I can count.”

  “Why don’t you divorce him?” Ed asked as he drove back onto the highway.

  “I’m planning too,” Anita said.

  “Well, that should fix that.”

  “No, I want to get that fucker back.”

  “Revenge will get you nowhere,” Ed said.

  “You ever been cheated on?”

  “No, I was happily married before the disease wiped out my family.”

  “You married now?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t suppose anyone would want to marry a dead guy,” Anita said.

  “I don’t suppose,” Ed said.

  “If you weren’t so gross I’d fuck you, to get back at David. Do you even have a cock anymore or did that fall off?”

  “I’d rather not discuss my personal life if you don’t mind,” Ed said.

  “What else do you have to do? It’s forty miles to town.”

  “You said you were playing cards tonight?” Ed asked.

  “Yeah, me and my girlfriends play cards twice a week at Shirley’s place.”

  “Do you always drink so much when you play cards?”

  “No, this was special. I got in a fight with David and I was pissed.”

  “What did you fight about?”

  “His fucking whore girlfriend.”

  “Did you tell him about the divorce?” Ed asked.

  “Oh yeah, and how I was taking his money, and the business. My dad loaned him the money to start that fucking restaurant in the first place.”

  “How did that go?”

  “He told me I was a fat cow and that I deserved to be cheated on. He said sex with me was like fucking a dead whale,” Anita replied. “Bet you never knew your boss was such a prick.”

  “Oh, I’ve been at plenty of commissioners meetings. I know what he’s like,” Ed replied.

  “Yeah, I know, he said they tried to fire you a few times but you got a lawyer and stopped them,” Anita said.

  “That’s true, they tried to say I wasn’t qualified once, then said I was doing a lousy job. Then one time they tried to blame me for some money problems down at the station. All bullshit.”

  “Did you know they set you up?” Anita asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “That money, they took it and tried to blame it on you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “David had the county clerk take it.”

  “Where’s the money now?”

  “I’m pretty sure David kept it and used it at the restaurant,” Anita replied.

  Ed was livid, he went through hell when that money came up missing and now he knew exactly where it went. “Can you find it?” Ed asked.

  “It’s long gone I’m sure. They cashed it out from the bank so there’s no record,” Anita replied.

  “I think I might be paying a visit to your husband,” Ed said.

  “Oh, please do, and tell him I sent you,” Anita said. Then she felt nauseous again and threw up on the back seat floor boards.

  At the station, Ed set up Anita for her booking photo. Her hair was a mess, she had scratches from falling on the asphalt and was smudged with vomit. She seemed to be less pissed and was willing to take whatever was coming her way. Then her husband and county Commissioner David showed up. Dispatch called Ed out of booking to meet David at the desk.

  “I heard you have my wife here?” David asked. He was trying to act calm but was pissed and embarrassed.

  “Yes, I was in the process of booking her when I got called out here,” Ed said.

  “What did she do? You’re dispatcher wouldn’t tell me.”

  “Speeding, reckless driving, driving while intoxicated,” Ed replied.

  “You’re kidding right?”

  “No, she blew a .10 percent on the breathalyzer.”

  “Holy shit,” David said as he shook his head in disbelief. “This will be front page news.”

  “I can’t help that.”

  “Yes you can,” David said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Cover this up, whatever you do, don’t put her in jail.”

  “Too late for that, I’ve already started the booking process. And dispatch knows all about it. Plus, why would I cover this up for you?” Ed asked.

  “I sign your paycheck,” David said.

  “So do three other guys,” Ed replied.

  “Not for much longer if you ignore what I say.”